When Your Kiddo is out of Control

New discipline rules for your children

September 22, 2010, 5:07 pm Fiona Baker practicalparenting

Techniques for encouraging good behavior have evolved since our parents raised us. Practical Parenting outlines how times have changed.

When your toddler behaves in an unruly fashion, “all he needs is discipline”, onlookers say. If your pre-schooler throws a tantrum when she can’t have an ice-cream, discipline will solve that. Apparently. But what exactly is discipline and do the methods used by older generations get the best results in the end?

Discipline is one of those curly areas of parenting with many people having strong views on how children need to be raised. It’s meant to be the cure-all for bad behavior while the lack of it seems to be blamed for everything that’s wrong in society today.

But when you’re in the middle of parenting a brood of kids (or even just one), it can be difficult to know what is the best way to go when it comes to disciplining them.

Prue Liger, a parenting educator from Australia’s Positive Parenting Network and a mum of three, says it can help parents if they understand the true definition of discipline, which is to teach certain behaviours through instruction and practice.

“Discipline does not mean punishment,” she says. It’s about connecting with your child and teaching them about acceptable behaviors, but not at the expense of their own sense of self-worth.

Okay, with that definition on board, we look at some of the ‘old-school’ rules of discipline as well as some more contemporary alternatives. In the end it is all about parents understanding their child and finding what works best for their family, with the end result being children who know what sort of behavior is expected from them.

Old-school rule: Strict routine

This rule says there is a time and a place for everything and encourages sticking to a daily routine to maintain control.

Best to use: Day to day. There’s no denying that kids, and humans in general, respond well to routines. It makes us feel safe and secure when we know what happens next, such as bedtime follows a story and a bath.

When not to: On holidays. You’ve arrived at your friends’ house interstate to stay for a few days and there’s no bath, only a shower, and your 18-month-old is in a port-a-cot in your room. With dinners out at a restaurant meaning later nights, there’s no chance you can stick to your home routine.

New tool: Go with the flow. Life will always throw a few curve balls, so learning to adapt to change is a good lesson for the whole family. Strict adherence to a routine is only going to stress everyone if it can’t be followed.

“Children, particularly young ones, find comfort in routine, but these routines need to be adaptable and open to change,” says Prue. She highly recommends a ‘routine chart’ which the littlies, even very young ones, can be involved in creating (see page 93).

Old-school rule: Parents must follow through with threats Every parent does it: “If you don’t clean up your toys you won’t go to playgroup/the park/Grandma’s.” This rule insists parents make good with their threats.

Best to use: When the consequences are achievable and actually make sense to the child. For example, if a two-year-old is throwing a toy and his mum warns him that she will take the toy away if he throws it again because it could hurt someone, that threat is achievable for the parent and makes sense to the child.

When not to: When, in the heat of the moment you make a totally over-the-top and unenforceable threat, such as, “If you don’t eat your dinner there will be no ice-cream for a year.” Is eating every single thing on the plate that important?

New tool: Reasonable consequences. Prue talks of the “four Rs of consequences”. The consequences we talk to our children about need to be:

❋ Related to the issue

❋ Reasonable

❋ Respectful

❋ (teach) Responsibility

For example, if your children are misbehaving in the car, explain to them that their behaviour is making it difficult for you to drive safely so if it continues, you will need to pull over until their behaviour improves.

Old-school rule: Be firm

Children respond to firm and direct parenting, no discussions entered into.

Best to use: When it’s important for safety or respectful reasons to take fairly immediate action. For example, parents are in a restaurant and their two-year-old is running around, almost knocking over tray-carrying staff. Or your littlie keeps standing up in the slippery bath.

When not to: When your child is really sad or frustrated. Your four-year-old daughter has fallen over and grazed her knee while walking to playgroup. Now is not the time to tell her to get up and get over it because she’s hurt herself.

New tool: Empathy. Showing littlies that you understand what they’re feeling can immediately diffuse lots

of emotional situations. Being firm with a toddler who’s sobbing about saying goodbye to Granny is not going to achieve anything. But hugging her and saying you understand why she’s sad but she’ll see Granny next week, or can phone her later, can work wonders.

Likewise, telling a scared child to be brave does not acknowledge her fears.

“I would always suggest parents start with empathy,” says Prue. “It acknowledges how they feel and shows you understand.”

Old-school rule: Smacking

And other physical punishments.

Best to use: What a can of worms this issue is, with many people spruiking their strong opinions in the media, on the internet, at dinner parties... But very few parenting educators condone smacking. Prue says, “There is never a reason to smack children. What does it tell kids? That it’s okay for big people to hurt little people?”

New tool: Self-calming. This is a tool for both parents and children. For a parent, when your child is doing something which is enraging you, Prue advises parents “take a pause” and try to work out why the behaviour is happening. Is you child frustrated, angry, seeking attention, over-tired, hungry or bored?

“Misbehavior is often used by children to communicate how they are feeling. They don’t have the verbal skills to say why they’re angry or frustrated,” says Prue. So maybe the two-year-old is tormenting the cat because he gets a reaction from Mum, who’s otherwise side-tracked on the phone. Or the three-year-old pulled her friend’s hair at playgroup because she was angry about not being able to have access to the trike. This is where teaching littlies to “self-calm” is important.

“Know what calms your child,” says Prue. Some children will calm down if they’re able to spend some quiet time in their room, or have a cuddle with Mum, or go off to draw. Really little children may find a dummy or a soft toy helps them self-calm.

“When little children learn how to make themselves feel better, they will do better,” Prue says. As part of teaching self-calming, she advises parents to acknowledge good behaviours. There is no need to go overboard and lavish praise on kids when they behave well, rather just show that you’ve noticed and appreciated their good behaviour.

Old-school rule: Yelling

Sometimes it’s the only way you can make yourself heard.

Best to use: When you can’t be heard and you need an immediate reaction. For example, you’re at a noisy children’s birthday party, and your child is unknowingly about to pull a whole plate of food from the table onto his head and you won’t be able to dash to your child’s rescue in time.

When not to: When you’re angry. You know how you feel as an adult if someone yells at you. It may get an immediate response, but it makes you feel bad, sad or even scared. You may even shut down and feel resentful. Kids are the same.

New tool: Loving guidance. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

You’re telling your child to put on his shoes because it’s time to go home from playgroup, but he wants to stay and is ignoring you. Rather than yell, you could go and put the shoes in front of him and show you’re waiting patiently for him to put them on.